Deplorabelle Satire

California Bans All Forms of Identification

SACRAMENTO, CA – Governor Gavin Newsom signed a law banning all forms of identification at any California government office or private business.  The state legislature praised the governor for his quest to achieve equity for all Californians, whether or not they live in California.  “The incidence of identity fraud is so negligible that it can be virtually ignored,” he said to the press as he held up the signed document.

State Senator M.T. Promises praised the provision banning driver’s licenses.  “Driving or renting a car, going to the dispensary, or purchasing vodka and Sudafed are all basic human rights.  Not everyone is old enough or has the ability to pass the driver’s test.  That’s discrimination, and that is not what California is about!”

Assistant D.A. Lettim Off lauded the provisions dealing with credit cards.  “Credit is a privilege bestowed upon the elite for no reason other than they have the ability to pay back their loans.  It’s not fair that someone is denied credit just because they can’t or won’t repay, or don’t make enough money to pay back what they charge. “

Named “You Are Who You Say You Are,” the law contained the following additional provisions:

• Libraries are required to pass out books and other materials to anyone who requests them.
• People opening bank accounts are asked to sign a statement attesting that they are not lying about who they claim to be. 
• Applying for government benefits now involves clicking a check box and identifying all of the crosswalks.
• All businesses are required to keep a database of all credit card numbers in existence.  Customers are merely asked to state their names when making a purchase.

Governor Newsom told reporters that the new law would increase equity, decrease incidents of fraud, and entice companies to do business in California.

Ten Woke Fairy Tales:

1. Jack and the Beanstalk that Never Was

Jack was a young child who lived with their birthing person.  When their cow stopped giving milk, Jack was instructed to sell the cow in town.  PETA got wind of the plan and confiscated the cow.  Jack was given magic beans as compensation for the cow, which failed to grow because of climate change.

2. Snow White and the Seven Little People

After leaving an abusive relationship, Snow White found solace in a non-traditional octuple relationship with seven little people who worked in a mine and enjoyed whistling. 

3. Little Red Riding Hood Needs LifeLock

After arriving at their grand birthing person’s house, Little Red Riding Hood found a wolf had impersonated them.  Little Red Riding Hood texted the police, who arrested the wolf for identity theft.  The wolf received a ding on its credit report for the next six years.

4. The Ugly Little Duckling Who Hated Being Bullied

The Ugly Little Duckling was a differently abled avian living on a farm, who was mercilessly bullied by the other animals because of their individuality.  Facebook flagged the posts of the other animals, but the bullying continued.  After the Ugly Little Duckling grew up into a beautiful swan, they became a Tik Tok influencer and flaunted their bling to the animals that once caused them so much pain.

5. Hansel and Gretel Get Revenge

Hansel and Gretel were siblings who emancipated themselves from their neglectful parents.  They moved in with a witch who lived in a gingerbread house.  After suffering microagression after microagression, Hansel and Gretel shoved the witch into the oven.  Hansel and Gretel were released on their own recognizance and never brought to trial.

6. Goldilocks and ICE and the Three Bears

Goldilocks was an undocumented person who escaped ICE through the woods.  They found a house and entered it.  Inside, Goldilocks rested in a chair, ate some food, and fell asleep in a bed.  When the bears came home, they mauled Goldilocks to death.  The bears were identified through DNA evidence and arrested for assault with a deadly weapon.

7. Cinderella The Heartless Taskmaster

Cinderella grew up in a disadvantaged situation being bullied by their step-birthing person and step-siblings.  Fearing retribution if the chores were not completed, Cinderella enlisted help from the woodland creatures.  OSHA raided the house and fined Cinderella for violating minimum wage and workplace safety regulations.

8. The Tortoise and the Hare Who Identified as a Tortoise

During the tortoise world championships, a hare arrived in horn-rimmed glasses and a prosthetic shell, claiming to identify as a tortoise.  After a short discussion, the hare was allowed to compete.  The hare smashed all the tortoise records by a considerable margin, and no tortoise ever won the tortoise world championships again.

9. The Benevolent Leader’s New Clothes

A scammer tricked the benevolent leader into believing in an imaginary suit of clothes.  As a result, the benevolent leader appeared naked in public.  After realizing their mistake, the benevolent leader Tweeted that any citizen who did not also take off their clothes would be reported to the Secret Police and branded a domestic terrorist.

10. The Three Little Pigs Who Wanted to Live in California

The Three Little Pigs lived in California and constructed three houses made of different materials.  The big bad building inspector condemned the first house, made of straw, because the systems did not use renewable energy.  The big bad building inspector ordered the second house to be demolished because its materials were toxic to the environment.  The big bad building inspector could not find any violations in the third house as the pig used environmentally friendly materials and alternate energy sources. Due to the improvements, the pig’s real estate taxes increased so much they had to sell the house and move to Idaho.